To Live Life Fearlessly.....

Dressage is a solo sport- meaning that when I ride, it is just me and my horse.  Lately I have noticed that when I ride, I always ride double.  I have noticed that fear is often with me.

After 46 years of the equestrian sport of eventing, I have experienced fear at many levels.  Galloping down hill into a coffin complex and getting no response from your half halt - only to see the chain missing from your Kimberwick - that is fear.  This new fear I experience in dressage,  however is something completely different.  It is more pervasive than anything that happens cross country, and seems primarily related to time.

At 52 I have had to accept that the body is the dictator of the will.  I listen to my body- not because I want to, but because it is the barometer of the day's events.  There are subtle changes in my comfort level, depending on how long I ride, how much canter work I do, that will eventually decide what the rest of that evening entails; whether it is spent on ice or heat; with or without ibuprofen. And of course with it comes fear.  Not so much the fear of pain- pain is a large part mental. You can tune it out. This fear is far more frightening.  It is the fear of losing the "ability of the body", and after that, the sport I love more than anything else in my life.  It is a fear that all athletes who utilize their bodies as their primary tool know all too well.  It is terrifying.

The fear comes solo- with twinges felt at sitting a trot a bit more extended than you can tolerate; and it comes in tandem with the concept of time.  With each new discomfort, the aging equestrian must face the fact that time at this sport may be running out.  There is a sense of urgency associated with it. Will I get a legitimate shot at a medal? Will I be able to execute a proper extended sitting trot? Will my horse's capabilities far surpass my own? and if they do, will I have to turn my reins over to a younger, sounder rider who can do what I no longer can?  Will I have to be that owner who watches from the sidelines as her horse performs with a younger, possibly more talented rider?

I have recently purchased another horse - a new member of my little family.  He is smart, willing and a great mover.  He is something I felt that I could turn into a decent dressage horse. I did not consider the time factor until after I bought him.  The reality is that I think and act like I'm still in my 20s - until my body reminds me otherwise.  He is four and completely ignorant of the bridle.  He will be unable to show seriously until next year - at training level-  at which time I will be 53, and my neck may be worse.  I'm counting on him being smart enough and holding up physically to get me to the upper levels of dressage before my time runs out.  I am counting on that Saddlebred movement to cushion the impact of the sitting trot for the upper levels.
Wishful thinking? Maybe. But it has inspired me to dig a little deeper- work a little smarter and to simply enjoy and revel in the small victories that occur daily in this sport.  Whitty, my new youngster, is a 4 year old American Saddlebred who happens to be 17 hands and who had gotten off on a wrong foot as a youngster.  Our first few days have been filled with in hand work.  Before I left for Vegas, we mastered walking over the big, bad,  horse eating tarps that are being used to kill grass around the  barn. When he first approached them, he literally got down on his belly and front legs like a cutting horse- terrified to go forward.  Within minutes of talking and letting him figure things out with out demanding anything of him, he was fine. He was walking back and forth over them like they were not even there.   It so filled me with joy to be able to instill confidence in this massive and elegant animal - to have him depend on me and trust me enough to face down his own fears and do what he believed at the time was impossible.  Whitty taught me a lot that day.  We must all face fear, and in facing it down, we grow stronger.  Will I eventually have to give up the sport I love so much? Probably- at least in the form in which I now enjoy it. But there are other forms- driving, trial riding, raising youngsters and doing the ground work to send them on to successful careers for their respective owners.  Like Whitty, I have realized that the fears I face are not insurmountable.  If I allow myself to enjoy life- things will flow freely and I cannot help but accomplish my goals.  I will do what I  am able- and I will revel in being able to do that and if it so happens, no more that that.   Such a realization instills fearlessness - and in fearlessness is power.